


Let It Fade Away

by Couryielle



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Existential Crisis, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2576294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Couryielle/pseuds/Couryielle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew he had to face the truth someday, that Haru needed someone who existed in the same realm as him. He knew, by the time he felt his existence become more of a want than a need, that this day would come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let It Fade Away

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Catch A Falling Star](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1856572) by [hoshruba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshruba/pseuds/hoshruba). 



> omg i can't believe that after like 2-3 years of not writing anything, one of the first things i churn out is a fanfic of a fanfic _(:3 > L)_ special thanks to [kim](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSweetRose/) for kind of accidentally providing the prompt while we were feels jamming on my trash twitter (yes dis me hi)
> 
> this was an attempt to write from makoto's pov for a certain scene in Catch A Falling Star, so **please read the original first** if you haven't already. also i just realized i switch between tenses and haru/haruka a lot i'll edit this some other day maybe sorry

Makoto doesn't care about how he could only barely feel his limbs now, how every movement his body made was an enormous struggle, how he had to constantly _remember_ to keep breathing in and out. He can't find himself caring about anything that was happening to him when _this_ was the sight he had to deal with.

His best friend. His only friend. The only person who ever mattered in his world. Now all balled fists and silent regrets and tepid tears. And he knows it's all his fault and he has to do something but he can't _deal_ with this. He doesn't _know_ how to deal with this. The last time he saw Haru cry was almost a quarter of a lifetime ago, at his Grandmother's funeral, when Haru's grief was so great it was almost tangible to Makoto the day he sprang back to life.

Haruka looked up at him once, only once, this entire night. There was barely anything to see of each other – the lights were so dim that the two of them looked like vague desaturated shapes moving against a dark background. Even so, Haru's eyes glistened more vividly blue now more than ever before, and his desire for _so much more_ – more time, more chances, _more_ for the two of them – was so painfully legible that Makoto almost had to look away. Haru closed his eyes again before long and lowered his head, as if he wanted nothing more than to block out everything, stop dealing with everything. He didn't even know he had this many tears to shed.

“Looks like I was right,” Makoto whispers, softly leaning their foreheads together. “Always knew there was an ocean inside you." He wills his now numb hands to caress Haru's cheeks, to rub away the track of his tears the way he was always meant to do, the way he was _made_ to do.

It's not fair. He knows that. If Haru honestly, deliberately decided he didn't want or need him anymore in his life, Makoto had no choice but to fade away, and he did so once for three long years before Haru lost his last living emotional crutch – his Grandma – and all his defenses crumbled and Makoto had no choice but to fade back into his life. Now that Haru doesn't want to lose him anymore, he _has_ to, for his own sake. More than keeping company, it was an imaginary friend's job to see their creator through changes in their life, to support and stand by them until they were strong enough to stand up on their own two feet. A crutch only gets in the way of someone who can walk perfectly fine. He may not know it, may not want to accept it, but Haru can face the world on his own now.

He has to let Makoto fade away.

“You have so much to do, Haru.” _And you can't do them if I'm here to hold you back._ “You're going to be great at college, you'll have new friends, and Nagisa, Rei, and Rin.” _You're going to be okay._

Makoto feels Haruka exhale a hot, constricted breath on his neck. “I don’t…” he breathes in and out two more times, raggedly. “Fuck, I don’t want it, any of it, I want y--”

“And you'll meet someone who will love you and kiss you and hold you in front of everyone,” Makoto counters immediately, because he already knew what Haruka was going to say. “You will get married… and teach your children to swim. Won’t that be perfect? My Haru’s perfect children."

It kills him, more than his inevitable dissolution, it _kills_ him to force the last few lines out of his mouth, because he _knows_ how Haru feels about him. He knows _everything_ there is to know about Haru – even some things Haru doesn't consciously know himself – but this isn't right. No matter how long and hard and faithfully either of them wished, whatever medium they wished upon, Makoto could never give Haru the kind of life he deserved to live and enjoy, the kind of life Haru has been trying to convince himself was possible with an invisible, intangible man. Makoto's job was done years ago, the only reason he persisted for so long was because neither of them wanted to believe he wasn't needed anymore. He knew he had to face the truth someday, that Haru needed someone who existed in the same realm as him. He knew, by the time he felt his existence become more of a want than a need, that this day would come.

“You said,” Haru inhales another ragged breath, “Makoto, you said it’s meaningless without me--” The more Haru talks the harder it is for Makoto. He knew Haru was verbally attacking him on purpose but he couldn't blame him, because he also knows how much he was hurting Haruka. Because god, it hurts him so, _so much_ as well. If Makoto had the choice to stay by Haru's side throughout his entire lifetime he would gladly do so, because given what he was, it was all he could have done to make Haru know how much he loved him too, how happy and grateful he was that Haru made him a part of his life.

“Haru, please, don’t.” He presses Haru closer, muttering into his hair. “You have to be strong. You’re brave and strong, Haruka. The strongest person I know. And I'm a coward, I can’t even…” _stay. Say fuck you to whoever decided it should be this way and stay with you forever_ “but I'm trying to be strong for you. You have to do the same for me. Okay, Haru? Promise me?"

Haru stifled a raw sob as it escaped from his throat, clutching Makoto tighter as he did. Makoto felt his own eyes sting, his facade break, his tears blaze an effortless trail down the curve of his cheeks. He holds Haru much closer than he has ever had in his life and plants a long, long kiss on his head, as if he were desperate to imprint Haru's shape, Haru's scent, on his body and on his mind forever. Makoto didn't know what was going to happen to him from now on, if he would go back to the limbo he found himself in throughout the three dark years Haruka denied his existence. If there was a more final, happier place for imaginary friends like him who have fulfilled their purpose. If he would simply stop being. He didn't know, but he kept whispering that he _would always be here, okay, always_ , anyway. He chants his promise like a prayer, like the wishes he knew Haru made countless times throughout his life. He wanted Haru's last memory of him to be of the assurance that even if they didn't exist on the same physical plane, that even if Makoto himself was not real, their bond, the time they spent together, all the memories they created with each other throughout the almost 20 years of being by each other's side – all of it was real.

Haru was in a deep, exhausted sleep, when Makoto finally drifts away.

**Author's Note:**

> (sweating) this wasn't rly meant to be posted outside twitter but hERE YOU GO HOSHRUBA-SAN  
> @everyone thank you so much for appreciating my trash _(:3 > L)_
> 
> Written: 2014 October 18


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